Why Your Team Won't Beat The Bears In The Super Bowl: Oakland Raiders

I'm afraid to create a caption, so I won't.

The Oakland Raiders once were a team committed to excellence. Now, they're just a team committed to giving guys like me column fodder and punch lines when every other area dries up.

While many guys have a special lady they go to when times are rough, AFC West teams just try to bide their time until the Raiders pop up on their schedule. If the Washington Nationals are baseball's starter girlfriend, that must make the Raiders the NFL's dirty lil' thing on the side.

And with a status like that, there is no way the Oakland Raiders even have a chance to knock off your projected Super Bowl champion Chicago Bears.

1. Even 'Runaround Sue' will be good for 200 yards and two touchdowns. Saying that the Raiders' rush defense was porous would be kin to saying baseball has a small steroids problem. Oakland allowed opposing offenses to rush for 2,555 yards and 23 touchdowns.

Looking at the running backs they'll face this year, it won't likely get better. The list of rushing roulette is as follows: L.T. & Sproles (twice), Larry Johnson NFL (twice), Brandon Jacobs, Thomas Jones, Marion Barber, Willie Parker and Clinton Portis. That's at least 2,000 yards allowed there with games against Houston, Denver, Cleveland and Baltimore.

2. Darrius Heyward-Bey. Hayward-Bey will have less catches than the Bears' top two receivers. Book it.

3. The QB Conundrum. Oakland thinks it has two quarterbacks with youngster JaMarcus Russell and aging hipster Jeff Garcia. But remember kids, if you have two quarterbacks, it really means that you have none.

4. Chaz Schilens. Not only does Oakland have a guy named Chaz on their roster, he's at the top of the WR depth chart. Teams with guys named Chaz don't win Super Bowls. Plain and simple.

5. Al Davis. What' more to say about the worst owner in sports. He lives in the past and I'm surprised Oakland fans haven't tried a lil' coup d'etat to get a once proud franchise back. Maybe their waiting for Billy Beane to chemically engineer his football counterpart out of scratch.

NOTE: There is not one Oakland Raider worth drafting on your fantasy team this year. If you get stuck with one, either join another league and pretend that one doesn't exist or start prepping for the 2010 draft.

Tomorrow's runner-up to the 2010 Super Bowl Champion Bears: Jacksonville Jaguars