Why Your Team Won't Beat The Bears In The Super Bowl: Kansas City Chefs Chiefs

These young ladies won't have much to cheer about if/when the Bears get their claws on the Chiefs

Last season, the Kansas City Chiefs struggled to get through a season in which it only won two games. One of which came against the Denver Broncos, who choked their ways out of a sure playoff bid. The other against the Oakland Raiders, who hope The Summer of Celebrity Deaths strikes Al Davis sooner rather than later.

But these aren't last year's Chiefs. Like the Bears' first two victims, Kansas City has a new head coach ... and also has a new quarterback and offensive systems. Sounds great, but Kansas City also still has the Royals.

Sometimes you win. Other times you lose. Hey, at least you've still got BBQ right.

But in the end, since Matt Cassel can't hold Jay Cutler's jock strap, the Chiefs have no shot at beating the Bears at a game of 21 if they stayed at 20 -- let alone the Super Bowl.

1. Matt Cassel has no friends. Upon arriving in Kansas City, Cassel learned that his best pass-catching target was being shipped off to Atlanta to catch balls from Michael Vick Matt Ryan. In exchange, the Chiefs will find a way to not replentish that lost weaponry until next year's NFL Draft. No longer does Cassel have Randy Moss and Wes Welker to help him out. Instead, he is stuck with Dwayne Bowe and Mark Bradley.

The good news for Cassel is that he won't have to deal with Bradley for long as he is scheduled to have a season-ending injury any day now.

2. Calling it an unfavorable schedule would be saying it nicely. If the Chiefs didn't play in the AFC West, they would only have two winnable games: Weeks 15 and 16 against Cincinnati and Cleveland, respectively. But since they play in the same division as the Raiders, I can see this team winning at least four games this season.

Doubling your win total from the year before is cool in general, but not when last season's win total is two.

3. Defense is offensive. The Chiefs have seven opponents whose quarterbacks don't suck -- but aren't as good as Jay Cutler. When Travis Daniels is your shutdown corner, you know that as a Chiefs fan you'll be swilling a lot of Jack Daniels.

Zach Thomas could be productive if you remind him that former teammate Jason Taylor is banging his sister.

4. Larry Johnson will retire to pursue his true dreams. It won't be long until the NFL's Grandmama will try his hand on the hardwood in an attempt to be the second best Larry Johnson to ever lace 'em up. My money is on the Knicks shelling out a boatload of money for his services.

Just a hunch.

5. Want 'razzle dazzle'? I got it for ya! Back in the day, the Bears had an offensive coordinator named Gary Crowton who unleased an offensive onslaught against the Chiefs which rivaled something you would have seen straight out of Madden. Then-head coach Gunther Cunningham, who was one of the runner-ups to eventual head coach Dick Jauron, had this to say about the performance.

"They play razzle-dazzle football. After you get used to it once, after you see it on film once a game is played like this, now you know what they're all about. It's not confusing."

He was right, then, but he'd be hardpressed to stop a real quarterback.

But if you happen to get stuck with a Kansas City Chief on your fantasy team it better be back-up quarterback Tyler Thigpen. You know, just in case "something happens" to Matt Cassel. And by "something" I mean the eventual season-ending concussion he'll suffer when he realizes he has an offensive line that is allergic to protecting the quarterback.

Tomorrow's runner-up to the 2010 Super Bowl Champion Bears: Seattle Seahawks

How's your GM doing? Part 2

Part one of the review of Chicago White Sox general manager Kenny Williams left off after a 2005 World Series Championship. But as sports in Chicago go, what has he done for us lately?

In the winter months between 2005 and 2006 Williams made major changes to a team that had just won a title. But these changes were needed and it looked like Brian Anderson was ready to take over as the center fielder of the future from Aaron Rowand.

But we were wrong or at least our general manager was.

Rowand was traded for left handed slugger Jim Thome in order to give us much needed lefty power. To a degree the move worked out but the results in 2006 weren't what they were in 2005 and thus, everyone to this day longs for the "fire and the passion". Rowand had a great season with the Phillies and led them to the playoffs in 2007 while Thome put in one of the best offensive seasons in White Sox history in 2006.

It's not his fault but Thome got old quick. He's still a productive bat in the lineup but he's constantly battling the injury bug and the fact that his bat has gone from 40-50 home run power to 25-35 home run power.

Not too shabby for a "decline".

Either way this trade would be graded as a C. It's average as can be because Williams misjudged his center fielder in waiting, Anderson.

He also parted with bally-hooed prospect Chris Young, an outfielder deemed expendable with Anderson, Jermaine Dye and Scott Podsednik out there. He was sent packing along with a rusty Orlando Hernandez and reliever Luis Vizcaino to make the rotation look like one of the best all time with the trade for Javy Vazquez.

On paper it all made sense.

I went bonkers over the news and thought...DYNASTY.

I was wrong.

Everyone forget to remember one thing about Vazquez, he's not a big game pitcher or even a medium game pitcher (if that makes any sense).

In 2006, when the White Sox were still contending for a playoff spot, Vazquez didn't provide the help the team was looking for. Sure, he had the big strikeout numbers (187) but he that's about it.

Vazquez won only 11 games with a 4.84 ERA on a team with 90 wins.

His 2007 season was better but (no shocker) the White Sox were not contenders at any point and in 2008, when the club was in contention, Vazquez dissapeared to the tune of a 12-16 record and an ERA of 4.67.

Everyone was frustrated and it eventually bought Vazquez's ticket out of town. He couldn't play for a contender and after manager Ozzie Guillen questioned his ability to pitch in big games, he faltered.

The return for the pitcher wasn't what anyone expected. Tyler Flowers, a catcher, appears to be the only one of value from that trade to Atlanta. Meanwhile, the Braves are enjoying a 2.99 ERA from Vazquez but aren't quite in the playoff hunt.

Meanwhile, everyone blasted the White Sox for trading Young to the Arizona Diamondbacks in the first place. Young wouldn't have started on this year's team or last years' team. He's a 30-30 threat but his his batting average is barely .200.

Move on.

Not long after the intial trade for Vazquez, Williams sent busted prospect Joe Borchard to the Seattle Mariners for Matt Thorton in what looked like a nothing-for-nothing deal.

Big win for Williams here obviously. He fleeced the Mariners out of one of the best left-handed setup men in the game for nothing.

In the following years, Williams has come up absolutely golden on the trade market if you ignore the Nick Swisher trades.

He swiped John Danks for the Texas Rangers for mediocre at best Brandon McCarthy. He then shipped out Freddy Garcia's busted arm to Philly for Gavin Floyd and then sent Jon Garland for Orlando Cabrera.

All three of those moves were critical in winning a division title in 2008.

Did I mention they got TCQ for a minor league first baseman?

As far as the trades within the past six months or so, Williams has come up roses but it remains too soon to call the Jake Peavy trade good or bad.

Time will tell but overall, Williams is an underappreciated general manager.

Coming To You At 6: Why The Chefs Can't Stand Da Heat In Da Bears' Kitchen

Why Your Team Won't Beat Da Bears In The Super Bowl: The St. Louis Shams Rams

Last year, the Bears whooped on the Rams with Kyle Orton under center. Imagine what Jay Cutler could do...

Once upon a time, the St. Louis Rams (2-14 in 2008) were considered "The Greatest Show On Turf." Now, they are the biggest joke on the earth. Alright, maybe not, because that designation goes to the New York Mets. But I am convinced the Rams are the NFL's version of the Mets.

Like the Lions, they have a new coach. But since they have a lot of the same pieces of crap in place in 2009, they are more likely to battle it out with the Lions for the right to choose Tim Tebow No. 1 overall next year. Because that's what teams with joker front office types do, make bad decisions.

That's how they got here in the first place.

1. Marc Bulger will spend more time on his back than a Las Vegas hooker. Bulger has been sacked 142 times in the last three years and at some point, he has got to be thinking about a retirement plan or an escape plan. Either way, he's screwed. Torry Holt and Isaac Bruce are no longer targets to throw to. Options include Keenan Burton, Derek Stanley, Donnie Avery and Chad Lucas.

If I were Bulger, I'd rather throw to George Lucas and hope he can whip up some special effects and make the season in St. Louis not suck.

2. They have to play the Bears in the regular season -- outside. Dome teams hate playing outside and in the cold, which plays right into the hands of the eventual Super Bowl champion Chicago Bears, who will host the Rams on Dec. 6 at Soldier Field.

And since we all know St. Louisans are allergic to frigid temperatures, I won't be surprised when Cutler throws for 400 yards and three touchdowns in the first half and takes the rest of the game off while watching Matt Forte run for 300 yards and a couple of scores in the second half.

3. Leonard Little and Tony LaRussa walk into a bar. Which one is the designated driver? Tony or Leonard? If the Cards host a playoff game in October when Little and the Rams are in town, I'd stay as far away from St. Louis as I possibly could. Unless, of course, I was a cop looking to fill a quota.

4. The Nellyville/Rams connection. Anyone notice that the Rams haven't been good since Nelly put out his last good album. The Rams are 46-66 since Nellyville dropped. Coincidence? I think not!

5. The Curse That Of The Boers & Bernstein Show. Sick of Kurt Warner and his wife's act in 2001, WSCR sports radio hosts Terry Boers and Dan Bernstein called on some vodoo lady to put a hex on Warner, his wife and the Rams. Turns out, the Rams lost the Super Bowl to upstart New England, who since then has built a dynasty of sorts.

But if you happen to get stuck with a St. Louis Ram on your fantasy team it better be place kicker Josh Brown. What? You want me to put Steven Jackson in here? Maybe if I was building a team on my XBOX, but until he proves that he can stay healthy, I'll pass. Besides, Brown will kick in domes nine times this upcoming season. Kickers + Domes = Sleepers.

Tomorrow's runner-up to the 2010 Super Bowl Champion Bears: Kansas City Chiefs

G-G-G-G-G(orzelanny) Unit Stands Strong In Debut

In 2007, Tom Gorzelanny won 14 games for the Pittsburgh Pirates -- a team that lost 94 games and finished in dead last. On Aug. 4, 2009, Gorzelanny made his debut with the Chicago Cubs, and while it is only one start, the newest Cub to don the No. 22 jersey pitched a lot like this one guy who also once proudly wore No. 22.

And no, I'm not talking about Kevin Hart, either.

Gorzelanny tossed 7 1/3 strong innings in the Cubs' 6-3 win against the Reds. He allowed one run, scattered three hits and struck out six batters. The most important statistic, however, is that Gorzelanny allowed only one walk. At the plate, he went 1-for-3 with a walk and a run batted in.

He threw first-pitch strike after first-pitch strike, showing flashes of why the Pirates made him a second-round pick in 2003. It also showed why the Pirates haven't made the playoffs since my mom rolled around town in a black Chevy Corsica with a tape deck.

Despite this being the smallest of sample sizes, there is very little doubt in my mind that Gorzelanny can (and will) become the next discarded Pirate to have his star shine with the Cubs. If he does so, he will follow in the footsteps of Aramis Ramirez, Kenny Lofton, and to an extent, Randall Simon.

In six years with the Pirates, A-Ram had a .263 batting average, .314 on-base percentage, .435 slugging percentage and a .747 OPS. Ever since putting on Cubbie blue pin stripes, Ramirez has hit .300, on-based at a .364 clip, posted a .554 slugging percentage and OPSed .915 while watching his errors drop from a career high 33 in 2003, to a career best 10 in 2007.

In 2003, Lofton batted .277 with the Pirates. After coming along in the Ramirez trade, he hit .327, posted a .381 on-base percentage and an .852 OPS as a center fielder.

Even Randall Simon enjoyed success as a Cub. In 33 games he slugged 6 home runs and hit .282. In 91 games with Pittsburgh, he hit .274 with 10 home runs.

Long story, short: Gorzelanny has a lot to live up to when compared to the former Pirates the Cubs have saved in the past. But if baseball's favorite minor league affiliate model has taught us anything, Gorzelanny is bound to succed if only because he's out of Pittsburgh.

Doing Jim Hendry's Dirty Work Part II: Does John Smoltz Interest Anyone?

John Smoltz could be the cure to what ails the Cubs' bullpen

I'm pretty sure I found the cure to the Chicago Cubs' bullpen woes. Problem is, they'd have to get it via the a waiver trade.

Nick Cafardo of the Boston Globe wonders aloud:

"On Monday, the Red Sox put John Smoltz, Brad Penny, Manny Delcarmen, and Ramon Ramirez, in addition to (Jason) Bay, on trade waivers. Of the players on the list, who would not be pulled back? The guess is all of them would be pulled back, but the issue is not black-and-white with Smoltz and Lowell. Smoltz has had limited success so far. You wonder whether a National League team would figure Smoltz could give it five or six decent innings as a starter in a less-demanding league for pitchers."

The Ludameister wonders aloud:

"What would it take for the Cubs to get John Smoltz, who converted 154 saves from 2001-2004, from Boston."

Smoltz hasn't closed since 2004 and posted 44 wins from 2005-2007 while making at least 32 starts. But since joining the Red Sox, Smoltz has been hit and hit hard as he is 2-4 with a 7.12 earned run average and a 1.500 WHIP.

As a reliever, Smoltz's K/BB ratio jumps from 2.92 to 5.60. His batting average against drops from .238 to .215. Opponents OBP dips from .296 to .254. Slugging percentages fall to .318 from .363. The WHIP slips from 1.189 to .976 while the K/9 ratio jumps to 9.6 from 7.8.

All of these are tell-tale signs to yours truly that Smoltz needs to return to the 'pen and to the National League.

Jim Hendry, I've done the dirty research work. You make it happen.

The Tom Gorzelanny Era Begins Tonight In Cincinnati

Will Tom Gorzelanny become the next former-Pirate to become a star in Cubbie blue pinstripes?

The Great American Ball Park has been a house of horrors for Tom Gorzelanny (nine runs, 4.1 innings pitched), so it's only fitting that Chicago's newest left-handed starter is making his first start as a Cub against the Reds tonight, right?

Gorzelanny is the local boy hoping to do good for his hometown Cubbies, who he should know a thing or two about inauspicious starts. But I've got some good news for the Evergreen Park, Ill., native.

You're out of Pittsburgh. No longer will you be backed by futile management, mundane managers or a depleted fan base that hasn't had anything to cheer for since Barry Bonds skipped town.

Welcome to a fan base that demands winning and will accept nothing less than a championship.

We've seen a winning environment spark Matt Holliday's 20-for-37 start as a Cardinal after leaving Oakland. I can't be the only Cubs fan wondering whether or not a winning environment can do to Gorzelanny what it had done for Aramis Ramirez.

Ramirez went from a lazy defender with good offensive skills in Pittsburgh to a franchise cornerstone who has provided Gold Glove defense in the last two years ever since coming to Chicago.

Using that logic, Gorzelanny will turn into a slimmer version of C.C. Sabathia any minute now.

Good luck, and godspeed, Tommy.